Apathesis
Characters in order of appearanceCAMERON MARKOV
Mid-late 20s, unemployed college dropout. Alcoholic, allegedly suicidal.
VERNON VALENTINE
Mid-late 20s, waiter with a Master’s in Russian literature. Just broke up with his girlfriend.
CATO AIROLDI
Early-mid 20s, depressive pixie dream girl. Workaholic stoner, Vernon’s ex.
SCENE 1
Apartment interior. The present. CAMERON MARKOV sits on a futon on the ground, stage right.
CAMERON
I’m not suicidal, but I really hope there is some sort of afterlife. I want to see who comes to my funeral.
VERNON VALENTINE enters stage left, annoyed.
VERNON
You aren’t going to believe this.
CAMERON
(to himself) Vernon would come, I bet.
VERNON
Guess who came into Dizzy’s today?
CAMERON
(to himself) My parents. My sister.
VERNON
Cato.
CAMERON
(To Vernon) What?
VERNON
Yeah. Can you believe it?
Cameron stands up and goes into the other room.
CAMERON
That’s weird.
VERNON
Yeah, well, it’s more than weird, it’s intentional. I mean, she knows my schedule.
CAMERON
She does?
VERNON
Yes, obviously, I told her, like, all the time.
CAMERON
Then why’d she come in?
VERNON
Fuck, man, how should I know?
Cameron opens his mouth but Vernon cuts him off.
VERNON
You know, she probably did it to mess with me. She thinks she’s so clever, thinks my whole world still revolves around her. It doesn’t.
CAMERON
It doesn’t.
VERNON
She thinks this is gonna rattle me! She thinks that if she shows up, I’ll, like, see what I’m missing or something. She wants me to regret breaking up with her!
CAMERON
I thought she broke up with you.
VERNON
God, does it fucking matter? Jesus, Cam.
CAMERON
Sorry.
VERNON
Yeah.
A long pause.
CAMERON
Do you want me to order dinner?
VERNON
Could you?
CAMERON
Yeah, of course.
Vernon sits down on the loveseat with a huff while Cameron scrolls around on his phone.
CAMERON
Can we get burritos?
VERNON
I don’t care.
Cameron sends in the order.
VERNON
Did you get any updates on those jobs?
CAMERON
Um, no…
VERNON
What? Why?
CAMERON
I don’t know.
VERNON
But you sent in the applications, right?
CAMERON
Yeah.
VERNON
So what’s the problem?
CAMERON
I don’t know. Ask them.
VERNON
It was just a question, you don’t have to get all bitchy.
CAMERON
Sorry.
VERNON
Yeah.
A pause.
CAMERON
Call me when the food gets here, yeah?
VERNON
Sure.
Cameron exits into his bedroom and lies on the futon, drained. He reaches into a drawer and pulls out a razor blade, considers it, then puts it back in the drawer without doing anything with it.
End Scene
SCENE 2
Exterior, alleyway, night. The past. CATO AIROLDI, wearing an Orion Bar nametag, smokes a cigarette, Vernon watches. Hardcore music plays in the background.
CATO
You smoke?
She holds out the box to him. He hesitates.
VERNON
(under his breath, to himself)
Early death.
CATO
What?
VERNON
Uh, sometimes. I smoke sometimes.
Vernon takes a cigarette from the box and Cato lights it. He tries not to cough.
CATO
When do you smoke?
VERNON
Um. When a girl offers, I guess.
CATO
That’s not very smart.
VERNON
Yeah?
CATO
Means you’re susceptible to peer pressure. Easily influenced. Didn’t your school do DARE or something?
VERNON
I dropped out of high school. (pause) Sorry, that’s not true. I have a Master’s degree.
CATO
Yeah? In what? This time, don’t lie.
VERNON
Russian literature.
Cato nods. Pause.
VERNON
So, uh… what’s, um, what’s your name?
CATO
…Why?
VERNON
So—so I can know it? …Is that, uh, okay?
CATO
Cato.
VERNON
Is that Latin?
CATO
What, don’t you know your Roman senators?
VERNON
Uh–no, not really…
CATO
(laughs) Oh my god, relax. You’re so nervous. What’s your name?
VERNON
Vernon. Vernon, um, Valentine.
CATO
Vernon Valentine? You sound like a supervillain.
VERNON
Is that good?
CATO
I think it’s cool. I like alliteration.
VERNON
I like you.
CATO
You do? You barely know me.
VERNON
Uh—
CATO
But you’re kind of cute. Even if you are trying too hard.
VERNON
Oh.
Cato finishes her cigarette and puts it out with her heel. Vernon follows suit, though most of his remains unsmoked.
CATO
This band sucks. Let’s get out of here.
VERNON
Don’t you work here?
CATO
I already clocked out. C’mon, if we leave now, we can use my bed.
Vernon blushes and nods.
VERNON
O-oh. Yeah, okay.
Cato puts her arm around Vernon and the two exit. End Scene
SCENE 3
Apartment interior. Back in the present. Cameron lies on his back on the ground. He groans. Vernon enters stage left. He mills around the kitchen, getting “unready” from work.
VERNON
Cam?
CAMERON
(mumbling)
Here he comes.
VERNON
Cam, you home?
Vernon opens the door to the bedroom.
VERNON
There you are. Couldn’t you hear me?
Cameron nods.
VERNON
(annoyed) Are you drunk again?
Cameron nods.
VERNON
You’ve got to stop drinking alone. It’s dangerous.
Cameron nods.
VERNON
Are you going to say something or are you just gonna nod at me like an idiot?
CAMERON
…’m gonna say something.
VERNON
That doesn’t count. Sit up or you’ll choke on your own vomit.
Vernon grabs Cameron’s shoulders and pulls him up to a sitting position.
CAMERON
(mumbling)
God. Why you…?
VERNON
One of these days I’m gonna tell your parents, y’know.
CAMERON
Vernon… don’t…
VERNON
What, you worried they’re gonna make you get a job? It’s about time. They should’ve cut you off the second you dropped out.
CAMERON
So mean…
VERNON
I’m just being honest. You need someone to be honest with you. No one’s ever honest with you, so you just skate on by—
As Vernon talks, he unscrews a bottle of water and makes Cameron drink from it.
CAMERON
That’s not fair…
VERNON
—oh, but it’s fine. Mommy and daddy love you. And you don’t even appreciate it. You’re depressed.
CAMERON
(under his breath) Vern…
VERNON
You’re gonna die with regrets, you know. Doesn’t that scare you?
Silence as Vernon keeps feeding Cameron sips of water.
VERNON
(sighs) Sorry for yelling. I didn’t mean to.
CAMERON
Mhm…
VERNON
…what did you mean?
CAMERON
Huh?
VERNON
You said “why you.” What’d you mean?
CAMERON
Oh. I dunno. I forgot. Don’t worry about it.
VERNON
(pause) Okay.
Vernon sets down the bottle of water next to Cameron.
VERNON
Keep drinking that. And try to stay awake.
Vernon exits the bedroom and goes into the kitchen.
CAMERON
(quietly) Of all the people to fall for…
Cameron passes out. End scene.
SCENE 4
Interior, Dizzy’s (diner). The past. Cato and Vernon sit across from each other at a table. There’s a giant milkshake on the table in front of them, with two straws. It has a slice of cake on it. Cato pokes at the cake with a fork.
CATO
Whipped cream, chocolate drizzle and…cake?
VERNON
Yup.
CATO
On one milkshake? That’s psychotic.
VERNON
It’s delicious.
CATO
It’s eighteen dollars.
VERNON
Ten dollars with employee discount. My treat.
CATO
Well, aren’t you a gentleman.
VERNON
I’m just a cheapskate, but I’ll take it.
CATO
Wait, so you work here?
VERNON
Yeah.
CATO
(amused) And you have a Master’s degree?
VERNON
In Russian literature! The market’s not really looking for guys like me.
CATO
Humanities degrees aren’t worth what they used to be.
VERNON
You’re telling me.
Pause. Both sip the drink.
CATO
I got a Bachelor’s in creative writing.
VERNON
Yeesh.
CATO
Yeah.
VERNON
That’s kind of cool, though. Are you a writer?
CATO
I’m a bartender.
VERNON
You work at a bar?
CATO
And a library.
VERNON
Wow, you’re a workaholic, aren’t you?
Cato laughs awkwardly.
CATO
I guess you could say that. It keeps my mind off of– (beat) It keeps me busy.
Both quietly drink the milkshake.
VERNON
You’re the kind of girl I could fall in love with.
CATO
What?
VERNON
Nothing.
End scene.
SCENE 5
Apartment interior, present. Vernon enters, angry. Cameron lies on the futon in the bedroom and quickly takes his hand out of his pants when he hears the door open. A few empty cans (beer, hard seltzer, etc) are next to the mattress. Vernon goes downstage to smoke a cigarette, and Cameron comes out to hover in the doorway.
CAMERON
…Vernon?
VERNON
(sighs) What?
CAMERON
…Are you smoking?
Vernon takes a final drag and pinches the flame out.
VERNON
What are you, my dad?
CAMERON
I thought you said you quit.
VERNON
I did quit. It’s just one //cig–
CAMERON
// You’re still smoking it, though…
VERNON
(irritated) God, can you stop bitching for once? I had a long day, okay? I’m allowed to relax. It’s not gonna kill me.
Cameron rests a hand on Vernon’s shoulder, but he pushes it off.
CAMERON
I worry about you…
VERNON
Well, don’t.
CAMERON
I can’t help it. I care–
VERNON
Yeah, it’s annoying.
CAMERON
…Sorry…
VERNON
(sighs) No, it’s fine, it’s fine. I’m just…
CAMERON
I know. (pause) …I just worry that you’re //getting–
VERNON
//Oh, what, that I’m getting addicted? Is that what you were going to say?
CAMERON
Well– no, I mean yes, //but I–
VERNON
//Well, I guess you’d know, huh?
CAMERON
(closes his eyes and sighs) Vernon–
VERNON
(mocking) Do you see yourself in me? You scared I’m gonna end up a sad little addict like you? Scared I’m gonna die in my 30s?
CAMERON
Hey, // that’s not fair–
VERNON
// Listen to me, Cam, I’m not like you, okay?
CAMERON
I know–
VERNON
And you know what? Maybe I am addicted! Would that be so fucking bad? //
CAMERON
// Yes, it would–
VERNON
No, it wouldn’t! It doesn’t change anything! I still have my job and I still have my life and I still have my girlf–
Vernon stops himself abruptly. There’s a long silence before he speaks again.
VERNON
…I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with me.
CAMERON
Hey, it’s okay…
VERNON
(sighs) …you’re too nice for your own good.
CAMERON
…what?
VERNON
Nevermind.
Vernon sits on the loveseat.
VERNON
I just don’t know how you put up with me.
Cameron perches on the armrest next to him.
CAMERON
Hey, don’t say that…
VERNON
I always do this…I always lash out…
CAMERON
No, Vernon, it’s okay, // you’re going through a lot…
VERNON
// No, I’m an awful friend, // I’m an awful roommate–
CAMERON
// No, Vernon, that’s not– that’s not true–
VERNON
I was an awful boyfriend, too, no fucking wonder–!
He stops talking and Cameron rubs his back.
CAMERON
Stop it…you’re not awful, okay? You’re my best friend…
VERNON
…Yeah?
CAMERON
Yeah, you’re, like…my favorite person in the world, I hate seeing you like this–
VERNON
(echoing) Your favorite person…
Cameron nods slowly.
CAMERON
Well…yeah. Yeah, you are.
They stare at each other.
VERNON
I really miss Cato.
Cameron looks away.
CAMERON
I know.
Vernon stands up and, after a moment, impulsively kisses Cameron. They abruptly stumble away from each other.
VERNON
// Shit, I don’t–
CAMERON
// No, I–
VERNON
I didn’t mean to–
The two stand far from each other, avoiding eye contact.
VERNON
…I’m gonna go to bed.
CAMERON
Yeah, no, yeah. Bed.
Vernon goes into the bedroom and lies faceup on the mattress with his hands covering his face.
CAMERON
(touches his lips) My first kiss…
End scene.
SCENE 6
Exterior, night, the past. Vernon and Cato sit outside on the steps of a stoop. Cato fidgets nervously.
VERNON
What’s wrong?
CATO
Nothing.
VERNON
That’s not true.
CATO
You don’t know that.
VERNON
Yes, I do.
CATO
Ugh…
VERNON
What’s wrong? And (imitates her voice) tell the truth this time.
Cato looks uncomfortable for a moment, but she quickly covers it with a wry smile.
CATO
Oh, fuck you.
She shoves him with her shoulder
Everything’s just…a lot, lately.
VERNON
Yeah?
CATO
What’s that supposed to mean?
VERNON
Uh… nothing? I just… if you wanted to talk, y’know… I’m just– trying to be a good listener…? Don’t girls like that?
CATO
No, no…you’re fine, I’m sorry, I’m really…
She trails off.
CATO
The bar’s too loud and the library’s too quiet and too many guys hit on me at the bar and too many girls hit on me at the library and– and everything sucks!
She leans against him.
VERNON
Aww, everything? Even me?
CATO
Are you fishing for compliments?
VERNON
Maybe a little. I need some validation after hearing how sought-after you are.
CATO
You’re shameless.
She kisses his cheek.
CATO
But I love you.
VERNON
You do?
CATO
Yeah…? (beat) Wait, have I never said that before?
VERNON
Uh, no? (laughs)
CATO
What?! I totally meant to!
VERNON
Aww…
Vernon laughs, but Cato looks a little distraught. He wraps an arm around her to give a side hug.
VERNON
I love you, too, baby…
CATO
No, you don’t get it…I thought I told you…I thought I already said it…
She looks like she’s about to cry.
VERNON
…It’s okay, it’s not that big of a deal…
She sniffles. Vernon examines her face.
VERNON
…What’d you take?
Cato pauses, called out.
CATO
…like…half a gummy…?
Vernon sighs and frowns. He isn’t surprised.
VERNON
Ah.
CATO
It’s fine, I’m fine, It’s not even that much, I just…I need it, you know?
VERNON
You sound like my roommate
CATO
It’s not like that, it's just…the only time I get to be calm. (Pause) You know, aside from being with you.
VERNON
Aww. Such a romantic.
CATO
(giggles) Am I your dream girl?
VERNON
Maybe a manic pixie dream girl.
Cato snorts and shakes her head. Her edible is kicking in.
CATO
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
VERNON
Aw, come on, sure you do! Ramona Flowers? Clementine from that one movie?
Cato stares at him like he’s speaking another language. She giggles.
VERNON
Those chicks with blue hair and cigarettes who show the male lead a whole new world of adventure that he’s never seen before.
CATO
So you’re the male lead?
VERNON
And you’re my dream girl.
He leans in to kiss her cheek.
CATO
Ugh…you’re the best…you’re my favorite boyfriend ever…
They sit together in silence for a while.
VERNON
…You were my first kiss.
Cato sits up, surprised.
CATO
What!?
VERNON
Is that pathetic?
CATO
No…But wait, you seriously never dated anyone else?
VERNON
I mean, nothing that counted. Just…middle school stuff, y’know? I never found someone that I felt, like, serious about. I’m not gonna waste my time on something I’ll just end up regretting on my deathbed.
CATO
Yeah. (pause) Your first kiss. Wow.
VERNON
Pretty romantic, right?
CATO
…Romantic. Yeah.
They kiss. End scene.
SCENE 7
Apartment interior, present. Cameron sits on the loveseat. Vernon enters, surprised to see Cameron outside of the bedroom.
VERNON
Look at you, out of bed for once.
CAMERON
I’m trying something new.
VERNON
Yeah?
CAMERON
You know. Being an adult and stuff.
VERNON
Wow. I’m impressed.
Cameron beams. The two stare at each other for a moment. There’s an unaddressed tension. Finally, Vernon turns away.
VERNON
They, uh, they might be giving me a promotion soon.
CAMERON
Oh?
VERNON
Yeah, my manager said that I’m a great asset to the team. She said she wants to give me more responsibility.
CAMERON
That’s great! …Right? That’s great?
VERNON
Yeah, it’s great. I could use the extra cash.
Cameron nods, thinks to himself for a second.
CAMERON
Um, I…I got an email back. From, uh, from the movie theater.
Vernon turns to look at Cameron, shocked.
VERNON
You did? As in, like, a job offer?
CAMERON
Uh, yeah! I mean, they said to come in next…Monday.
VERNON
Cam! That’s amazing!
CAMERON
Yeah…! It, uh, it is!
Vernon hesitates for a second, and then hugs Cameron.
VERNON
I’m proud of you.
Cameron slowly returns the embrace.
CAMERON
…thanks…
Vernon pulls back quickly, slight discomfort on his face.
VERNON
Yeah, uh, okay. That’s good news.
Cameron nods slowly. He doesn’t let go of Vernon.
CAMERON
…Yeah…
Cameron impulsively tries to kiss Vernon, who pushes him away.
VERNON
Woah, what the hell, man?!
CAMERON
I just thought– I mean, since you–
VERNON
That was a mistake, Cam, //did you really think–
CAMERON
//No, it wasn’t! It wasn’t a mistake–
VERNON
Did you really think that it meant anything?!
A long, horrible pause.
CAMERON
You kissed me.
VERNON
I wasn’t– I wasn’t thinking straight, okay? I–
CAMERON
You kissed me!!
VERNON
I just missed Cato! I didn’t– Why the hell would I kiss you?!
CAMERON
I don’t know! (beat) You tell me!
Vernon shakes his head. Both men stew in uncomfortable anger.
VERNON
Whatever. You just–deal with whatever you gotta deal with. I’m going out.
CAMERON
You can’t just–
VERNON
No, you fucked this up, got it? You made things complicated, not me. When I get back, we’re gonna pretend none of this ever happened. Got it?
Vernon grabs his jacket and storms out of the apartment. Cameron is left alone, fuming and crushed.
CAMERON
…We’ll see about that.
End scene.
SCENE 8
Interior, apartment, the past. Cameron is on the mattress and looking at his phone. Enter Vernon and Cato. They’re holding hands and Vernon is in the middle of telling a funny story.
VERNON
–and then, they had to keep pretending to have orphan cousins in Connecticut, just so they wouldn’t get fired!
CATO
(laughing) Omigod, no way.
Vernon pulls Cato towards the bedroom. He opens the door, sees Cameron, and frowns.
VERNON
Dude.
Cameron scrambles to his feet awkwardly.
CAMERON
Oh, uh, sorry. Did you–
VERNON
I told you I needed the room tonight.
CAMERON
I know, but I don’t really have anywhere to crash…
VERNON
God, just– sleep on the couch, okay? Put on headphones or something.
CAMERON
Okay, okay, sorry–
Cameron hurries out of the bedroom, scooping up his headphones meekly. Vernon shuts the door. Cameron sits on the loveseat, goes to put on his headphones, but pauses as he hears Vernon start talking.
VERNON
Sorry about him.
CATO
It’s fine.
VERNON
I swear, he never listens.
CATO
Really, it’s fine.
Cato reaches towards Vernon to hug him, but he’s not paying attention.
VERNON
He’s such an idiot.
CATO
He’s not that bad… // Let’s just–
VERNON
//No, he definitely is. He’s lazy and selfish and spoiled and impossible to live with! He–
Cato sighs and places her hands on his shoulders, cutting him off.
CATO
Babe. Shh. Forget about him.
Cato pulls Vernon forward and the two make out. Lights dim on the bedroom as things start to heat up. Cameron sits on the loveseat, dismayed, before sadly putting his headphones on and closing his eyes. All lights dim. Night becomes day. In the background, Vernon and Cato wake up. He helps her gather her stuff, sees her to the door, gives her a goodbye kiss, etc. Cato exits. Cameron wakes up and sits up, Vernon joins him on the loveseat.
VERNON
Hey, man. Morning.
CAMERON
(sleepy)…Mm, yeah. G’morning.
VERNON
Uh, look. Sorry about that. I should’ve given you a bit more of a heads up.
CAMERON
No, you told me. It’s my fault for not leaving–
VERNON
Nah, but I should’ve at least made sure you had a place to go. I wasn’t really…thinking. Cato gave me this gummy, and it was, like way stronger than–
Cameron cuts him off by placing a hand on his shoulder.
CAMERON
Dude, really. It’s fine. I promise.
VERNON
…Alright. If you say so.
Beat.
VERNON
Do you wanna, like…watch a movie or something? It’d have to be on my laptop, but…
CAMERON
No, that’s–that sounds great!
VERNON
Cool, lemme just grab it.
Vernon exits into the bedroom to get his laptop. Cameron pulls his knees to his chest and beams. Re-enter Vernon, who flops down on the loveseat and opens his computer.
VERNON
Alright, what do you feel like?
CAMERON
Me?
VERNON
Yeah.
CAMERON
Um…I don’t know.
VERNON
Oh. I mean, I can pick if you don’t want to.
CAMERON
No, I’ll pick! I just haven’t really thought about it.
Short pause as Cameron thinks.
CAMERON
How about…Eternal Sunshine?
VERNON
Of the Spotless Mind?
CAMERON
That’s the one.
VERNON
Sure. I’m in the mood for a rom-com.
CAMERON
A rom-com? I mean, I guess it is. There’s romance.
VERNON
Yeah, and it’s funny.
Cameron clearly doesn’t agree, but he doesn’t push it. Vernon sets his computer on the coffee table. Pause as the opening credits play.
CAMERON
…Thanks.
VERNON
For what?
CAMERON
I don’t know. For hanging out with me, I guess.
VERNON
Anytime, man.
Cameron leans against Vernon’s shoulder. The movie plays quietly. End scene.
SCENE 9
Apartment interior, the present. Cameron sits on the futon mattress, putting a bandaid on a cut on his forearm. There’s a knock at the door. Cameron scrambles to put on pants and hurries to the door. He pulls his sleeve down to hide the cuts on his arm, then remembers he’s supposed to be at work, and stops short of the door. On the other side of the door is Cato, holding an IKEA bag.
CATO
Hello? Vernon?
Cameron relaxes when he realizes it isn’t Vernon. He opens the door and scowls when he sees Cato.
CAMERON
Oh.
CATO
…Hey…
CAMERON
Hey.
CATO
Can…I come in?
CAMERON
Why?
CATO
(sighs) Cameron…
Cameron relents and steps aside. Cato awkwardly enters the apartment.
CATO
…Is Vernon here?
CAMERON
Do you want him to be?
CATO
…Not really…
Cameron doesn’t respond. There’s a long, awkward silence.
CATO
I, um, brought some stuff he left at my place. I didn’t know his schedule, so…
CAMERON
Okay.
CATO
…Should I just leave it here, or…?
CAMERON
(rolls eyes) I don’t care.
CATO
(sighs) Do you, like, have a problem with me or something?
CAMERON
Why?
CATO
Because you’re acting really weird right now.
CAMERON
No, I’m not.
CATO
Okay, look. I know I’m, like, the crazy ex or whatever, but can we just talk to each other like regular adults? Please?
CAMERON
…Yeah. Fine. Sorry.
Cato nods and sets down her bag.
CATO
This is just…a bunch of stuff he left at the apartment. You can give it to him. Or not. I honestly don’t care.
CAMERON
Okay.
CATO
Okay…
Cato hesitantly turns to leave, but Cameron blurts out a question.
CAMERON
Why’d you break up with him?
CATO
…What?
CAMERON
Vernon, I mean. Why’d you dump him?
CATO
He never told you?
CAMERON
…No?
CATO
…Oh.
She nods slowly and sits on the loveseat.
CATO
I mean…there wasn’t really one reason. It was complicated.
Cameron nods.
CATO
…I don’t really know how to describe it, honestly. He started out as this twitchy, nervous dork who was always trying too hard to impress me. (laughs) He thought I was so much cooler than I actually was.
Cameron seems slightly surprised by what she’s saying, but nods as she continues.
CATO
It was great, you know? And then it wasn’t great anymore. I don’t…I don’t know what changed. Suddenly, he was too cool for me. I can’t describe it, it was like he was mad at something inside of me, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was.
CAMERON
(slightly annoyed) Then why didn’t you ask him what was wrong instead of dumping him?
CATO
I tried. Do you know how hard it is to get that guy to open up?
Cameron deflates.
CAMERON
…Yeah. I do.
CATO
It just made him angrier.
Cameron looks at his hands.
CAMERON
But…but you didn’t even try…
CATO
I dated him for a year, Cam.
CAMERON
I just… I don’t get it…why you’d throw it all away… he’s always been nice to me…
CATO
…has he?
CAMERON
What? Of course he has. He’s my best friend.
CATO
…Right. (beat) But–
Cameron scowls and stands up.
CAMERON
But what? Do you think he hates me? You think you’re still the most important person in his life? You think I don’t deserve to have what you had?!
CATO
What I–wait, what?
CAMERON
If he hates me so much, then why did he kiss me, huh?! WHY?!
Cato stares at him, unreadable, then slowly stands up.
CATO
I think I should go.
Cameron tears up.
CAMERON
(softer) Why did he kiss me…?
Cato hesitantly exits. Cameron stands silently in the living room for a moment, then suddenly flings himself onto the loveseat.
CAMERON
FUCK!!
He flails violently, punching and clawing at the cushions and screaming into them. He sits and pulls his sleeve up, ripping off his bandaids. Some of the cuts bleed. He scratches at his arms and head frantically. The meltdown ends as quickly as it began. Cameron takes a deep breath and slowly walks to the bedroom. He takes a bottle of liquor out of the drawer in the bedside table and starts drinking. He drinks for a long time. End scene.
SCENE 10
Interior, Cato’s bedroom. The past. Cato lies on her bed and Vernon sits on an air mattress on the floor. The two of them are high.
CATO
God, I hate my name…
VERNON
What? Why? I like it. It’s cool.
CATO
It’s stupid… My parents were such nerds, I swear…
VERNON
You’re a nerd.
CATO
Cato the Younger… (she laughs) What a stupid namesake.
VERNON
The Younger? Was there an Older?
CATO
Yeah, but no one cares about him.
VERNON
Even though he came first?
CATO
(giggles) Came.
VERNON
Oh shut up…
CATO
I mean, I dunno anything about the other Cato. He was, like, just some senator. Everyone was a senator back then.
VERNON
What about your Cato?
CATO
Also a senator.
VERNON
Oooh, riveting… (giggles)
CATO
But he killed himself!
VERNON
That’s, like, the coolest thing that a Roman senator could do.
CATO
It was actually so metal…
VERNON
Yeah?
CATO
His guys were, like, trying to put his guts back in him, and he woke up and started pulling out his own intestines so he’d have an honorable death.
VERNON
Whoa. Crazy.
CATO
Right?
VERNON
So you like suicidal guys? Maybe I should start cutting myself or something.
Cato laughs and throws her lighter at Vernon.
CATO
Oh my god, you are so fucked! Don’t you dare.
VERNON (laughing)
Okay, okay, I won’t!
CATO
You better not. If you die on me, I’ll be sooooo pissed.
VERNON
Oh, believe me, I’m not dying.
CATO
Ever?
VERNON
Ever.
CATO
How are you gonna pull that off?
VERNON
I dunno. I’ll figure it out. I’m awesome, remember?
CATO
What about when I die? What’ll happen to my immortal boyfriend?
VERNON
Hmm…I dunno. I’ll get over it, probably. Eventually.
Cato sits up and gawks at Vernon. She laughs.
CATO
Whaaat?!
VERNON
Well, not, like, immediately! I’d totally be grieving for years! But, like, I’d have infinite time, you know?
CATO
I guess… But come on, you don’t say that!
VERNON
Sorry, god! I meant that I’d never get over you and I’d cry for eternity and I’d wish I could die so that we could be together again, is that what you wanna hear?
His tone is teasing, and Cato laughs, but there’s a bit of genuine tension.
CATO
You’re such an asshole.
VERNON
Aw, baby. I’m sorry…
He pouts and rests his chin on the edge of her bed.
VERNON
Forgive me…please…?
Cato pets his head like a cat.
CATO
I should have never given you weed. You’re a menace.
VERNON
I’m cute.
CATO
Maybe.
VERNON
Aw, c’mon… say it back…
CATO
Fine. You’re cute.
VERNON
You’re gorgeous.
CATO
Come here. Before my roommate comes back.
Vernon crawls up onto Cato’s bed and they make out. End scene.
SCENE 11
Interior, apartment. The present. Cameron lies on the loveseat, a hand in his pants. Porn plays quietly on his phone. Enter Vernon. Cameron quickly shuts off his phone and takes his hand out of his pants. He looks guilty, caught in multiple ways. Vernon stops in his tracks and stares at him incredulously.
CAMERON
I thought–I thought you didn’t get home until 8…
VERNON
…My manager sent me home early, what the hell are you doing here?!
CAMERON
I, uh–
VERNON
You said you had work today.
CAMERON
// Um–
VERNON
// You’re supposed to be at work till 5. It’s 3:15.
CAMERON
Well, I…
Cameron tries and fails to come up with an excuse.
CAMERON
…I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to think…
VERNON
(Scoffs) Well, you sure proved me wrong, didn’t you?
A long pause.
CAMERON
I said I was sorry…
Vernon shakes his head.
VERNON
Whatever. I’m going to bed.
Vernon storms off into the bedroom. Cameron sits awkwardly on the loveseat, knees to his chest. He reaches to his arm and scratches at the bandages. Quietly, he starts to cry. End scene.
SCENE 12
Exterior. The past. Vernon and Cato stand outside of her apartment building.
VERNON
Do you want me to come up, or…?
CATO
No! I mean, no… sorry, I just…
VERNON
You just what…?
CATO
I’m just tired, okay? And my roommates are home.
VERNON
They always are…
CATO
So’s yours.
VERNON
Well, yeah. But at least there’s only one of him. You’re living with, like, five other girls.
CATO
Four.
VERNON
And I’m pretty sure they all hate me.
CATO
Don’t pay attention to them. They aren’t that nice to me, either.
VERNON
Honestly, you should really just move out already.
CATO
I can’t, the// lease–
VERNON
//I mean when the lease ends. Duh.
CATO
Oh. Well, I don’t know.
VERNON
What do you mean?
CATO
It’s just– I dunno. It’s kind of a pain to go apartment hunting, and then I’d have to find new roommates// and–
VERNON
//Right. Roommates.
CATO
And I’d need to find a place close to the library and Orion.
VERNON
(jealous) Orion? Who’s that?
CATO
Orion Bar? Where I work?
VERNON
Oh. Right.
CATO
You’ve been there.
VERNON
I know.
A pause.
CATO
I have work tomorrow…
VERNON
Right, of course. Sorry. (pause) Y’know, if you hate your jobs so much, why not quit one of them?
CATO
Are you– Vernon, I can’t just quit.
VERNON
Why not? You have like five roommates–
CATO
Four.
VERNON
And, like, no offense, but it’s not like this side of Bushwick is expensive, exactly.
CATO
Excuse me?
VERNON
Well, you know what I mean.
CATO
No, I don’t.
VERNON
Just forget it, okay? I didn’t mean anything by it.
CATO
I can’t just quit my jobs.
VERNON
Okay, jeez. Sorry I said anything.
CATO
Some of us can’t just skate by on our lazy, silver spoon roomie, okay? Some of us have to live with four people and work two jobs and live in the shitty part of Bushwick–
VERNON
I didn’t say that–
CATO
You didn’t have to.
An awkward pause.
CATO
I’m going to bed. I don’t know if…
VERNON
What?
CATO
I don’t know.
Cato walks up the stoop to the door.
CATO
I’ll…call you tomorrow. Maybe.
VERNON
Maybe?! Cato, wait–
Cato buzzes herself into the building and leaves Vernon outside.
VERNON
Fuck!
He paces around anxiously.
VERNON
Fuck…
End scene.
SCENE 13
Interior, apartment. The present. Cameron sits calmly on the futon, counting Advil tablets into his hand.
CAMERON
I’m not suicidal.
He shakes a few more pills into his palm.
CAMERON
I know it doesn’t look that way right now, but trust me, I’m not. Suicidal is when you want to die.
He puts about half the pills in his mouth and swallows them.
CAMERON
I just want to kill myself.
He takes the rest of the pills.
CAMERON
It’s totally different.
He sits in silence for a few moments.
CAMERON
I guess it’ll take awhile to kick in.
More silence.
CAMERON
I mean, it’s not poison.
More silence.
CAMERON
It’s gotta do something, though, right?
More silence.
CAMERON
They have all those warnings on the bottle…
More silence. Cameron puts a hand on his stomach.
CAMERON
I think I’m getting stomach cramps. (pause) Ugh, no. Just placebo.
Cameron flops on his back on the futon.
CAMERON
Can’t I do something right for once?
Time passes. The sun sets. Cameron lies on his back and doesn’t move, very much alive. Eventually, Vernon enters stage left.
VERNON
(sarcastic, under his breath) Honey, I’m home…
Vernon takes off his jacket, puts down his bag, the usual “coming home” rituals. Usually Cameron would have come to greet him by now. Vernon realizes this, and goes to the bedroom.
VERNON
Is this about the other night? Because I told you, we don’t have to–
Vernon opens the door and takes in the scene: Cameron lying on his back, the alcohol, the Advil.
VERNON
Jesus, what the fuck did you– Cameron!
CAMERON
(sluggish) Mm…?
VERNON
Are you fucking crazy?! Get up! Why would you–how much did you take?!
Vernon yanks Cameron up into a sitting position.
CAMERON
I dunno, like…a lot…
VERNON
Fuck, I don’t– God, Cam, were you TRYING to kill yourself?!
CAMERON
…Yeah… (pause) Dude, I think I’m gonna–
Cameron leans to the side and throws up on the floor.
VERNON
Dude–! Ew…
CAMERON
Oh my god…
Cameron collapses on his back. Vernon looks at the pile of vomit and squints.
VERNON
There’s only, like, 12 pills in this…
Cameron groans softly.
VERNON
You only– you only took twelve?! You were trying to kill yourself and you took twelve Advil?!
CAMERON
It says on the bottle not to take more than ten…
VERNON
Yeah, cause you’ll get, like, a stomachache! You won’t die! God, you’re such a fucking idiot!
CAMERON
I didn’t die…
VERNON
No shit you didn’t die! You’re such a stupid fuck-up, you can’t even kill yourself right! What, did you just want to give me a fucking heart attack?! You wanted attention?!
CAMERON
…Kind of…
VERNON
Did you think this would make me want you?
A horrible silence. Cameron tears up.
VERNON
(softer) Jesus. Come here.
He pulls Cameron towards him. Cameron clings onto Vernon and cries as the two embrace.
VERNON
I can’t afford an ambulance.
CAMERON
You shouldn’t have saved me.
VERNON
I didn’t save you.
CAMERON
…I know.
Vernon holds Cameron as he trembles. Despite everything, Vernon doesn’t cry. End scene.
SCENE 14
Interior, apartment. The next day. The apartment is empty. All of Cameron’s stuff is gone from the bedroom. Enter Vernon.
VERNON
(to himself) Alright. Here goes.
He takes a deep breath and calls out to Cameron.
VERNON
Cam? Look, man, we need to talk…
Vernon takes off his coat, shoes, etc as he speaks.
VERNON
I know last night was…look, I just think maybe it’s best if we don’t… I mean, I care about you. You know that. But lately, it just feels like…
Vernon starts to walk to the bedroom.
VERNON
I don’t know. Like this isn’t really working. So maybe you could–
Vernon opens the door and sees that Cameron isn’t there.
VERNON
…Oh. (pause) Cam?
Vernon scans the room, realizes that all of Cameron’s stuff is gone.
VERNON
…Huh. Beat me to the punch…
He sits down on the mattress and looks around, unsure of what to do next. He opens the drawer of the bedside table and pulls out the razor blade that Cameron kept there.
VERNON (surprised)
…Jesus.
He grimaces and drops the blade back into the drawer and closes it. He sits in silence for a while, head in hands, before taking a deep breath and pulling out his phone. He dials a number and waits as it rings. It rings and rings until it goes to voicemail.
CATO (voicemail)
Hey, it’s Cato. I’m probably busy right now, leave a message. Or don’t.
A beep.
VERNON
Um… hey. (pause) It’s me. (pause) Can we talk? I…I’m sorry. I really am.
Curtain.